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In these ticklish times, it may be necessary to give such an account of the following sheets, as will exempt me from the plague of prosecution.
On the 7th of March, in the present year 1748, they were offered to me for sale, by a tall thin woman, about the age of threescore, dressed in a gown of Bombazine, with a cloak and bonnet of black silk, both a little the worse for the wear. —She called herself Dorothy Hatchet, spinster, of the parish of Old-street, administratrix of Mr. Nathaniel Peacock, who died in the said parish on the fifth day of last April, and lies buried in the church-yard of Islington, in the north-west corner, where his grave is distinguished by a monumental board inscribed with the following tristich:
Hic, hæc, hoc, Here lies the block Of old Nathaniel Peacock.In this particular, any person whatever may satisfy himself, by taking an afternoon's walk to Islington, where, at the White House, he may recreate and refresh himself with excellent tea and hot rolls for so small a charge as eight-pence.
As to the MS, before I would treat for it, I read it over attentively, and found it contained divers curious particulars of a foreign history, without any allusion to, or resemblance with, the transactions of these times. I likewise turned over to Kempfer and the Universal History, and found in their several accounts of Japan, many of the names and much of the matter specified in the following sheets. Finally, that I might run no risque of misconstruction, I had recourse to an eminent chamber-council of my acquaintance, who diligently perused the whole, and declared it was no more actionable than the Vision of Ezekiel, or the Lamentations of Jeremiah the prophet. Thus assured, I purchased the copy, which I now present in print, with my best respects, to the Courteous Reader, being his very humble servant,
Bucklersbury.
S. Etherington.
Vivant Rex & Regina.I Nathaniel Peacock, of the parish of St. Giles, haberdasher and author, solemnly declare, That on the third of last August, sitting alone in my study, up three pair of stairs, between the hours of eleven and twelve at night, meditating upon the uncertainty of sublunary enjoyment, I heard a shrill, small voice, seemingly proceeding from a chink or crevice in my own pericranium, call distinctly three times, "Nathaniel Peacock, Nathaniel Peacock, Nathaniel Peacock." Astonished, yea, even affrighted, at this citation, I replied in a faultering tone, "In the name of the Lord, what art thou?" Thus adjured, the voice answered and said, "I am an atom." I was now thrown into a violent perturbation of spirit; for I never could behold an atomy without fear and trembling, even when I knew it was no more than a composition of dry bones; but the conceit of being in presence of an atomy informed with spirit, that is, animated by a ghost or goblin, increased my terrors exceedingly. I durst not lift up mine eyes, lest I should behold an apparition more dreadful than the handwriting on the wall. My knees knocked together: my teeth chattered: mine hair bristled up so as to raise a cotton night-cap from the scalp: my tongue cleaved to the roof of my mouth: my temples were bedewed with a cold sweat. —Verily, I was for a season entranced.
At length, by the blessing of God, I recollected myself, and cried aloud, "Avaunt Satan, in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost." "White-livered caitiff! said the voice, (with a peculiar tartness of pronunciation) what art thou afraid of, that thou shouldest thus tremble, and diffuse around thee such an unsavoury odour? --What thou hearest is within thee—is part of thyself. I am one of those atoms, or constituent particles of matter, which can neither be annihilated, divided, nor impaired: the different arrangements of us atoms compose all the variety of objects and essences which nature exhibits, or art can obtain. Of the same shape, substance, and quality, are the component particles, that harden in rock, and flow in water; that blacken in the negro, and brighten in the diamond; that exhale from a rose, and steam from a dunghill. Even now, ten millions of atoms were dispersed in air by that odoriferous gale, which the commotion of thy fear produced; and I can foresee that one of them will be consolidated in a fibre of the olfactory nerve, belonging to a celebrated beauty, whose nostril is excoriated by the immoderate use of plain Spanish. Know, Nathaniel, that we atoms are singly endued with such efficacy of reason, as cannot be expected in an aggregate body, where we croud and squeeze and embarrass one another. Yet, those ideas which we singly possess, we cannot communicate, except once in a thousand years, and then only, when we fill a certain place in the pineal gland of a human creature, the very station which I now maintain in thine. —For the benefit of you miserable mortals, I am determined to promulge the history of one period, during which I underwent some strange revolutions in the empire of Japan, and was conscious of some political anecdotes now to be divulged for the instruction of British ministers. Take up the pen, therefore, and write what I shall unfold.
By this time my first apprehension vanished; but another fear, almost as terrible, usurped its place. I began to think myself insane, and concluded that the voice was no other than the fantastic undulation of a disturbed brain. I therefore preferred an earnest orison at the throne of grace, that I might be restored to the fruition of my right understanding and judgment. "O incredulous wretch, (exclaimed the voice,) I will now convince thee that this is no phantasma or hideous dream. —Answer me, dost thou know the meaning and derivation of the word atom?" I replied, "No, verily!" "Then I will tell thee, (said the voice) thou shalt write it down without delay, and consult the curate of the parish on the same subject. If his explanation and mine agree, thou will then be firmly persuaded that I am an actual, independent existence; and that this address is not the vague delirium of a disordered brain. Atomos is a Greek word, signifying an indivisible particle, derived from alpha privativa, and temno to cut."
I marvelled much at this injunction, which, however, I literally obeyed; and next morning sallied forth to visit the habitation of the curate; but in going thither, it was my hap to encounter a learned physician of my acquaintance, who hath read all the books that ever were published in any nation, or language: to him I refered for the derivation of the word atom. He paused a little, threw up his eyes to heaven, stroaked his chin with great solemnity, and hemming three times, "Greek, Sir, (said he) is more familiar to me than my native tongue. —I have conversed, Sir, with Homer and Plato, Hesiod and Theophrastus, Herodotus, Thucydides, Hippocrates, Aretæus, Pindar, and Sophocles, and all the poets and historians of antiquity. Sir, my library cost me two thousand pounds. I have spent as much more in making experiments; and you must know that I have discovered certain chemical specifics, which I would not divulge for fifty times the sum. —As for the word atomos, or atime, it signifies a scoundrel, Sir, or as it were, Sir, a thing of no estimation. It is derived, Sir, from alpha privativa, and time, honour. Hence, we call a skeleton an atomy, because, Sir, the bones are, as it were, dishonoured by being stripped of their cloathing, and exposed in their nakedness."
I was sorely vexed at this interpretation, and my apprehension of lunacy recurred: nevertheless, I proceeded in my way to the lodgings of the curate, and desired his explanation, which tallied exactly with what I had written. At my return to my own house, I ascended to my study, asked pardon of my internal monitor; and taking pen, ink, and paper, sat down to write what it dictated, in the following strain.
"It was in the æra of Foggien, one thousand years ago, that fate determined I should exist in the empire of Japan, where I underwent a great number of vicissitudes, till, at length, I was enclosed in a grain of rice, eaten by a Dutch mariner at Firando, and, becoming a particle of his body, brought to the Cape of Good Hope. There I was discharged in a scorbutic dysentery, taken up in a heap of soil to manure a garden, raised to vegetation in a sallad, devoured by an English supercargo, assimilated to a certain organ of his body, which, at his return to London, being diseased in consequence of impure contact, I was again separated, with a considerable portion of putrefied flesh, thrown upon a dunghill, gobbled up, and digested by a duck, of which duck your father, Ephraim Peacock, having eaten plentifully at a feast of the cordwainers, I was mixed with his circulating juices, and finally fixed in the principal part of that animalcule, which, in process of time, expanded itself into thee, Nathaniel Peacock.
Having thus particularized my transmigrations since my conveyance from Japan, I shall return thither, and unfold some curious particulars of state-intrigue, carried on during the short period, the history of which I mean to record: I need not tell thee, that the empire of Japan consists of three large islands or that the people, who inhabit them, are such inconsistent, capricious animals, that one would imagine they were created for the purpose of ridicule. Their minds are in continual agitation, like a shuttlecock tossed to and fro, in order to divert the demons of philosophy and folly. A Japonese, without the intervention of any visible motive, is, by turns, merry and pensive, superficial and profound, generous and illiberal, rash and circumspect, courageous and fearful, benevolent and cruel. They seem to have no fixed principle of action, no certain plan of conduct, no effectual rudder to steer them through the voyage of life; but to be hurried down the rapid tide of each revolving whim, or driven, the sport of every gust of passion that happens to blow. A Japonese will sing at a funeral, and sigh at a wedding; he will this hour talk ribaldry with a prostitute, and the next immerse himself in the study of metaphysics or theology. In favour of one stranger, he will exert all the virtues of hospitality; against another he will exercise all the animosity of the most sordid prejudice: one minute sees him hazarding his all on the success of the most extravagant project; another beholds him hesitating in lending a few copans to his friend on undeniable security. To-day, he is afraid of paring his corns; to-morrow, he scruples not to cut his own throat. At one season, he will give half his fortune to the poor; at another, he will not bestow the smallest pittance to save his brother from indigence and distress. He is elated to insolence by the least gleam of success; he is dejected to despondence by the slightest turn of adverse fortune. One hour he doubts the best established truths; the next, he swallows the most improbable fiction. His praise and his censure is what a wise man would choose to avoid, as evils equally pernicious: the first is generally raised without foundation, and carried to such extravagance, as to expose the object to the ridicule of mankind the last is often unprovoked, yet usually inflamed to all the rage of the most malignant persecution. He will extol above Alexander the great, a petty officer who robs a hen-roost; and damn to infamy, a general for not performing impossibilities. The same man whom he yesterday flattered with the most fulsome adulation, he will to-morrow revile with the most bitter abuse and, at the turning of a straw, take into his bosom the very person whom he has formerly defamed as the most perfidious rascal.
The Japanese value themselves much upon their constitution, and are very clamorous about the words liberty and property; yet, in fact, the only liberty they enjoy is to get drunk whenever they please, to revile the government, and quarrel with one another. With respect to their property, they are the tamest animals in the world; and, if properly managed, undergo, without wincing, such impositions, as no other nation in the world would bear. In this particular, they may be compared to an ass, that will crouch under the most unconscionable burthen, provided you scratch his long ears, and allow him to bray his belly-full. They are so practicable, that they have suffered their pockets to be drained, their veins to be emptied, and their credit to be cracked, by the most bungling administrations, to gratify the avarice, pride, and ambition, of the most sordid and contemptible sovereigns, that ever sate upon the throne.
The methods used for accomplishing these purposes are extremely simple. You have seen a dancing bear incensed to a dangerous degree of rage, and all at once appeased by firing a pistol over his nose. The Japonese, even in their most ferocious moods, when they denounce vengeance against the Cuboy, or minister, and even threaten the throne itself; are easily softened into meekness and condescension. A set of tall fellows, hired for the purpose, tickle them under the noses with long straws, into a gentle convulsion, during which they shut their eyes, and smile, and quietly suffer their pockets to be turned inside out. Nay, what is still more remarkable, the ministry is in possession of a pipe, or rather bullocks's horn, which being sounded to a particular pitch, has such an effect on the ears and understanding of the people, that they allow their pockets to be picked with their eyes open, and are bribed to betray their own interests with their own money, as easily as if the treasure had come from the remotest corner of the globe. Notwithstanding these capricious peculiarities, the Japonese are become a wealthy and powerful people, partly from their insular situation, and partly from a spirit of commercial adventure, sustained by all the obstinacy of perseverance, and conducted by repeated flashes of good sense, which almost incessantly gleam through the chaos of their absurdities.
Japan was originally governed by monarchs who possessed an absolute power, and succeeded by hereditary right, under the title of Dairo. But in the beginning of the period Foggien, this emperor became a cypher, and the whole administration devolved into the hands of the prime minister, or Cuboy, who now exercises all the power and authority, leaving the trappings of royalty to the inactive Dairo. The prince, who held the reins of government in the short period which I intend to record, was not a lineal descendant of the antient Dairos, the immediate succession having failed, but sprung from a collateral branch which was invited from a foreign country in the person of Bupo, in honour of whom the Japonese erected Fakkubasi , or the temple of the white horse. So much were all his successors devoted to the culture of this idol, which, by the bye, was made of the vilest materials, that, in order to enrich his shrine, they impoverished the whole empire, yet still with the connivance, and by the influence of the Cuboy, who gratified this sordid passion or superstition of the Dairo, with a view to prevent him from employing his attention on matters of greater consequence.
Nathaniel, You have heard of the transmigration of souls, a doctrine avowed by one Pythagoras, a philosopher of Crotona. This doctrine, though discarded and reprobated by christians, is nevertheless sound, and orthodox, I affirm on the integrity of an atom. Further I shall not explain myself on this subject, though I might with safety set the convocation and the whole hierarchy at defiance, knowing, as I do, that it is not in their power to make me bate one particle of what I advance: or, if they should endeavour to reach me through your organs, and even condemn you to the stake at Smithfield, verily, I say unto thee, I should be a gainer by the next remove. I should shift my quarters from a very cold and empty tenement, which I now occupy in the brain of a poor haberdasher, to the nervous plexus situated at the mouth of the stomach of a fat alderman fed with venison and turtle.
But to return to Pythagoras, whom one of your wise countrymen denominated Peter Gore, the wise-acre of Croton, you must know that philosopher was a type, which hath not yet been fully unveiled. That he taught the metempsychosis, explained the nature and property of harmonies, demonstrated the motion of the earth, discovered the elements of geometry and arithmetic, enjoined his disciples silence, and abstained from eating any thing that was ever informed by the breath of life are circumstances known to all the learned world: but his veneration for beans, which cost him his life, his golden thigh, his adventures in the character of a courtezan, his golden verses, his epithet of autos epha, the fable of his being born of a virgin, and his descent into hell, are mysteries in which some of the most important truths are concealed. —Between friends, honest Nathaniel, I myself constituted part of that sage's body and I could say a great deal--but there is a time for all things. —I shall only observe, that Philip Tessier had some reason for supposing Pythagoras to have been a monk and there are shrewd hints in Meyer's dissertation, Utrum Pythagoras Judæus fuit, an monachus Carmelita .
Waving these intricate discussions for the present, (though I cannot help disclosing that Pythagoras was actually circumcised) know, Peacock, that the metempsychosis, or transmigration of souls, is the method which nature and fate constantly pursue, in animating the creatures produced on the face of the earth; and this process, with some variation, is such as the eleusinian mysteries imported, and such as you have read in Dryden's translation of the sixth book of Virgil's Æneid. The Gods have provided a great magazine or diversorium, to which the departed souls of all animals repair at their dismission from the body. Here they are bathed in the waters of oblivion, until they retain no memory of the scenes through which they have passed; but they still preserve their original crasis and capacity. From this repository, all new created beings are supplied with souls; and these souls transmigrate into different animals, according to the pleasure of the great disposer. For example, my good friend Nathaniel Peacock, your own soul has within these hundred years threaded a goat, a spider, and a bishop; and its next stage will be the carcase of a brewer's horse.
In what manner we atoms come by these articles of intelligence, whether by intuition, or communication of ideas, it is not necessary that you should conceive—Suffice it to say, the gods were merry on the follies of mankind, and Mercury undertook to exhibit a mighty nation, ruled and governed by the meanest intellects that could be found in the repository of pre-existing spirits. He laid the scene in Japan, about the middle of the period Foggien, when that nation was at peace with all her neighbours. Into the mass, destined to sway the sceptre, he infused, at the very article of conception, the spirit, which in course of strangulation had been expelled a posteriori from a goose, killed on purpose to regale the appetite of the mother. The animalcule, thus inspired, was born, and succeeded to the throne, under the name of Got-hama-baba. His whole life and conversation was no other than a repetition of the humours he had displayed in his last character. He was rapacious, shallow, hotheaded, and perverse; in point of understanding, just sufficient to appear in public without a slavering bib; imbued with no knowledge, illumed by no sentiment, and warmed with no affection; except a blind attachment to the worship of Fakku-basi, which seemed indeed to be a disease in his constitution. His heart was meanly selfish, and his disposition altogether unprincely.
Of all his recreations, that which he delighted in most, was kicking the breech of his Cuboy, or prime minister, an exercise which he every day performed in private. It was therefore necessary that a Cuboy should be found to undergo this diurnal operation without repining. This was a circumstance foreseen and provided for by Mercury, who, a little after the conception of Got-hama-baba, impregnated the ovum of a future Cuboy, and implanted in it a changling soul, which had successively passed through the bodies of an ass, a dottril, an apple-woman, and a cow-boy. It was diverting enough to see the rejoicings with which the birth of this Quanbuku was celebrated; and still more so to observe the marks of fond admiration in the parents, as the soul of the cow-boy proceeded to expand itself in the young Cuboy. This is a species of diversion we atoms often enjoy. We at different times behold the same spirit, hunted down in a hare, and cried up in an Hector; fawning in a prostitute, and bribing in a minister; breaking forth in a whistle at the plough, and in a sermon from the pulpit; impelling a hog to the stye, and a counsellor to the cabinet; prompting a shoe-boy to filch, and a patriot to harangue; squinting in a goat, and smiling in a matron.
Tutors of all sorts were provided betimes for the young Quanbuku, but his genius rejected all cultivation; at least the crops it produced were barren and ungrateful. He was distinguished by the name of Fika-kaka, and caressed as the heir of an immense fortune. Nay, he was really considered as one of the most hopeful young Quanbukus in the empire of Japan; for his want of ideas was attended with a total absence of pride, insolence, or any other disagreeable vice: indeed his character was founded upon negatives. He had no understanding, no oeconomy, no courage, no industry, no steadiness, no discernment, no vigour, no retention. He was reputed generous and good-humoured; but was really profuse, chicken-hearted, negligent, fickle, blundering, weak, and leaky. All these qualifications were agitated by an eagerness, haste, and impatience, that compleated the most ludicrous composition, which human nature ever produced. He appeared always in hurry and confusion, as if he had lost his wits in the morning, and was in quest of them all day. —Let me whisper a secret to you, my good friend Peacock. All this bustle and trepidation proceeded from a hollowness in the brain, forming a kind of eddy, in which his animal spirits were hurried about in a perpetual swirl. Had it not been for this Lusus Naturæ, the circulation would not have been sufficient for the purposes of animal life. Had the whole world been searched by the princes thereof, it would not have produced another to have matched this half-witted original, to whom the administration of a mighty empire was wholly consigned. Notwithstanding all the care that was taken of his education, Fika-kaka never could comprehend any art or science, except that of dancing bareheaded among the Bonzas at the great festival of Cambadoxi. The extent of his knowledge in arithmetic went no farther than the numeration of his ten fingers. In history, he had no idea of what preceded a certain treaty with the Chinese, in the reign of queen Syko, who died within his own remembrance and was so ignorant of geography, that he did not know that his native country was surrounded by the sea. No system of morality could he ever understand; and of the fourteen sects of religion that are permitted in Japan, the only discipline he could imbibe was a superstitious devotion for Fakku-basi, the temple of the white horse. This, indeed, was neither the fruit of doctrine, nor the result of reason; but a real instinct, implanted in his nature for fulfilling the ends of providence. His person was extremely aukward; his eye vacant, though alarmed; his speech thick, and embarrassed; his utterance ungraceful; and his meaning perplexed. With much difficulty he learned to write his own name, and that of the Dairo; and picked up a smattering of the Chinese language, which was sometimes used at court. In his youth, he freely conversed with women; but, as he advanced in age, he placed his chief felicity in the delights of the table. He hired cooks from China at an enormous expence, and drank huge quantities of the strong liquor distilled from rice, which, by producing repeated intoxication, had an unlucky effect upon his brain, that was naturally of a loose flimsy texture. The immoderate use of this potation was likewise said to have greatly impaired his retentive faculty; inasmuch as he was subject upon every extraordinary emotion of spirit, to an involuntary discharge from the last of the intestines.
Such was the character of Fika-kaka, entitled by his birth to a prodigious estate, as well as to the honours of Quanbuku, the first hereditary dignity in the empire. In consequence of his high station, he was connected with all the great men in Japan, and used to the court from his infancy. Here it was he became acquainted with young Got-hama-baba, his future sovereign; and their souls being congenial, they soon contracted an intimacy, which endured for life. They were like twin particles of matter, which having been divorced from one another by a most violent shock, had floated many thousand years in the ocean of the universe, till at length meeting by accident, and approaching within the spheres of each other's attraction, they rush together with an eager embrace, and continue united ever after.
The favour of the sovereign, added to the natural influence arising from a vast fortune and great alliances, did not fail to elevate Fika-kaka to the most eminent offices of the state, until, at length, he attained to the dignity of Cuboy, or chief-minister, which virtually comprehends all the rest. Here then was the strangest phænomenon that ever appeared in the political world. A statesman without capacity, or the smallest tincture of human learning; a secretary who could not write; a financier who did not understand the multiplication table; and the treasurer of a vast empire, who never could balance accounts with his own butler.
He was no sooner, for the diversion of the Gods, promoted to the Cuboyship, than his vanity was pampered with all sorts of adulation. He was in magnificence extolled above the first Meckaddo, or line of emperors, to whom divine honours had been paid; equal in wisdom to Tensio-dai-sin, the first founder of the Japanese monarchy; braver than Whey-vang, of the dynasty of Chew; more learned than Jacko, the chief pontiff of Japan; more liberal than Shi-wang-ti, who was possessed of the universal medicine; and more religious than Bupo, alias Kobot, who, from a foreign country, brought with him, on a white horse, a book called Kio, containing the mysteries of his religion.
But, by none was he more cultivated than by the Bonzas or clergy, especially those of the university Frenoxena , so renowned for their learning, sermons, and oratory, who actually chose him their supreme director, and every morning adored him with a very singular rite of worship. This attachment was the more remarkable, as Fika-kaha was known to favour the sect of Nem-buds-ju, who distinguished themselves by the ceremony of circumcision. Some malicious people did not scruple to whisper about, that he himself had privately undergone the operation: but these, to my certain knowledge, were the suggestions of falshood and slander. A slight scarification, indeed, it was once necessary to make, on account of his health; but this was no ceremony of any religious worship. The truth was this. The Nem-buds-ju, being few in number, and generally hated by the whole nation, had recourse to the protection of Fika-kaka, which they obtained for a valuable consideration. Then a law was promulgated in their favour; a step which was so far from exciting the jealousy of the Bonzas, that there was not above three, out of one hundred and fifty-nine thousand, that opened their lips in disapprobation of the measure. Such were the virtue and moderation of the Bonzas, and so loth were they to disoblige their great director Fika-kaka.
What rendered the knot of connection between the Dairo Got-hama-baba, and this Cuboy altogether indissoluble, was a singular circumstance, which I shall now explain. Fika-kika not only devoted himself intirely to the gratification of his master's prejudices and rapacity, even when they interfered the most with the interest and reputation of Japan; but he also submitted personally to his capricious humours with the most placid resignation. He presented his posteriors to be kicked as regularly as the day revolved and presented them not barely with submission, but with all the appearance of fond desire: and truly this diurnal exposure was attended with such delectation as he never enjoyed in any other attitude.
To explain this matter, I must tell thee, Peacock, that Fika-kaka was from his infancy afflicted with an itching of the podex, which the learned Dr. Woodward would have termed immanis aidoion pruritus. That great naturalist would have imputed it to a redundancy of cholicky salts, got out of the stomach and guts into the blood, and thrown upon these parts, and he would have attempted to break their colluctations with oil, &c. but I, who know the real causes of this disorder, smile at these whims of philosophy.
Be that as it may, certain it is, all the most eminent physicians in Japan were consulted about this strange tickling and tingling, and among these the celebrated Fan-sey, whose spirit afterwards informed the body of Rabelais. This experienced leech, having prescribed a course of cathartics, balsamics, and sweeteners, on the supposition that the blood was tainted with a scorbutical itch; at length found reason to believe that the disease was local. He therefore tried the method of gentle friction: for which purpose he used almost the very same substances which were many centuries after applied by Gargantua to his own posteriors; such as a night cap, a pillow-bier, a slipper, a poke, a pannier, a beaver, a hen, a cock, a chicken, a calf-skin, a hare-skin, a pigeon, a cormorant, a lawyer's bag, a lamprey, a coif, a lure, nay even a goose's neck, without finding that volupté merifique au trou de cul, which was the portion of the son of Grangousier. In short, there was nothing that gave Fika-kaka such respite from this tormenting titillation as did smearing the parts with thick cream, which was afterwards licked up by the rough tongue of a boarcat. But the administration of this remedy was once productive of a disagreeable incident. In the mean time, the distemper gaining ground became so troublesome, that the unfortunate Quanbuku was incessantly in the fidgets, and ran about distracted, cackling like a hen in labour.
The source of all this misfortune was the juxta position of two atoms quarrelling for precedency, in this the Cuboy's seat of honour. Their pressing and squeezing and elbowing and jostling, tho' of no effect in discomposing one another, occasioned all this irritation and titillation in the posteriors of Fika-kaka—What! dost thou mutter, Peacock? dost thou presume to question my veracity? now by the indivisible rotundity of an atom, I have a good mind, caitiff, to raise such a buzzing commotion in thy glandula pinealis, that thou shalt run distracted over the face of the earth, like Io when she was stung by Juno's gadfly! What! thou who hast been wrapt from the cradle in visions of mystery and revelation, swallowed impossibilities like lamb's wool, and digested doctrines harder than iron three times quenched in the Ebro! thou to demur at what I assert upon the evidence and faith of my own consciousness and consistency! —Oh! you capitulate: well, then beware of a relapse—you know a relapsed heretic finds no mercy.
I say, while Fika-kaka's podex was the scene of contention between two turbulent atoms, I had the honour to be posted immediately under the nail of the Dairo's great toe, which happened one day to itch more than usual for occupation. The Cuboy presenting himself at that instant, and turning his face from his master, Got-hama-baba performed the exercise with such uncommon vehemence, that first his slipper, and then his toe-nail flew off, after having made a small breach in the perineum of Fika-kaka. By the same effort, I was divorced from the great toe of the sovereign, and lodged near the great gut of his minister, exactly in the interstice between the two hostile particles, which were thus in some measure restrained from wrangling; though it was not in my power to keep the peace entirely. Nevertheless, Fika-kaka's torture was immediately suspended; and he was even seized with an orgasm of pleasure, analogous to that which characterises the extacy of love.
Think not, however, Peacock, that I would adduce this circumstance as a proof that pleasure and pain are meer relations, which can exist only as they are contrasted. No: pleasure and pain are simple, independent ideas, incapable of definition and this which Fika-kaka felt was an extacy compounded of positive pleasure ingrafted upon the removal of pain: but whether this positive pleasure depended upon a particular center of percussion hit upon by accident, or was the inseparable effect of a kicking and scratching conferred by a royal foot and toe, I shall not at present unfold: neither will I demonstrate the modus operandi on the nervous papillæ of Fika-kaka's breech, whether by irritation, relaxation, undulation, or vibration. Were these essential discoveries communicated, human philosophy would become too arrogant. It was but the other day that Newton made shift to dive into some subaltern laws of matter; to explain the revolution of the planets, and analyse the composition of light; and ever since, that reptile man has believed itself a demi-god— I hope to see the day when the petulant philosopher shall be driven back to his Categories and the Organum Universale of Aristotle, his ousia, his ule, and his upokeimenon.
But waving these digressions, the pleasure which the Cuboy felt from the application of the Dairo's toe-nail was succeeded by a kind of tension or stiffness, which began to grow troublesome just as he reached his own palace, where the Bonzas were assembled to offer up their diurnal incense. Instinct, on this occasion, performed what could hardly have been expected from the most extraordinary talents. At sight of a grizzled heard belonging to one of those venerable doctors, he was struck with the idea of a powerful assuager; and taking him into his cabinet, proposed that he should make oral application to the part affected. The proposal was embraced without hesitation, and the effect even transcended the hope of the Cuboy. The osculation itself was soft, warm, emollient, and comfortable; but when the nervous papillæ were gently stroaked, and as it were fondled by the long, elastic, peristaltic, abstersive fibres that composed this reverend verriculum, such a delectable titillation ensued, that Fika-ka was quite in raptures.
That which he intended at first for a medicine he now converted into an article of luxury. All the Bonzas who enrolled themselves in the number of his dependants, whether old or young, black or fair, rough or smooth, were enjoined every day to perform this additional and posterior rite of worship, so productive of delight to the Cuboy, that he was every morning impatient to receive the Dairo's calcitration, or rather his pedestrian digitation; after which he flew with all the eagerness of desire to the subsequent part of his entertainment.
The transports thus produced seemed to disarrange his whole nervous system, and produce an odd kind of revolution in his fancy; for tho' he was naturally grave, and indeed overwhelmed with constitutional hebetude, he became, in consequence of this periodical tickling, the most giddy, pert buffoon in nature. All was grinning, giggling, laughing, and prating, except when his fears intervened; then he started and stared, and cursed and prayed by turns. There was but one barber in the whole empire that would undertake to shave him, so ticklish and unsteady he was under the hands of the operator. He could not sit above one minute in the same attitude, or on the same seat; but shifted about from couch to chair, from chair to stool, from stool to close-stool, with incessant rotation, and all the time gave audience to those who sollicited his favour and protection. To all and several he promised his best offices, and confirmed these promises with oaths and protestations. One he shook by the hand; another he hugged; a third he kissed on both sides the face; with a fourth he whispered; a fifth he honoured with a familiar horse-laugh. He never had courage to refuse even that which he could not possibly grant; and at last his tongue actually forgot how to pronounce the negative particle: but as in the English language two negatives amount to an affirmative, five hundred affirmatives in the mouth of Fika-kaka did not altogether destroy the efficacy of simple negation. A promise five hundred times repeated, and at every repetition confirmed by oath, barely amounted to a computable chance of performance.
It must be allowed, however, he promoted a great number of Bonzas, and in this promotion he manifested an uncommon taste. They were preferred according to the colour of their beards. He found, by experience, that beards of different colours yielded him different degrees of pleasure in the friction we have described above; and the provision he made for each was in proportion to the satisfaction the candidate could afford. The sensation ensuing from the contact of a grey beard was soft and delicate, and agreeably demulcent, when the parts were unusually inflamed; a red, yellow, or brindled beard, was in request when the business was to thrill or tingle: but a black beard was of all others the most honoured by Fika-kaka, not only on account of its fleecy feel, equally spirited and balsamic, but also for another philosophical reason, which I shall now explain. You know, Peacock, that black colour absorbs the rays of light, and detains them as it were in a repository. Thus a black beard, like the back of a black cat, becomes a phosphorus in the dark, and emits sparkles upon friction. You must know, that one of the gravest doctors of the Bonzas, who had a private request to make, desired an audience of Fika-kaka in his closet at night, and the taper falling down by accident, at that very instant when his beard was in contact with the Cuboy's seat of honour, the electrical snap was heard, and the part illuminated, to the astonishment of the spectators, who looked upon it as a prelude to the apotheosis of Fika-kaka. Being made acquainted with this phænomenon, the minister was exceedingly elevated in his own mind. He rejoiced in it as a communication of some divine efficacy, and raised the happy Bonza to the rank of Pontifex Maximus, or chief priest, in the temple of Fakku-basi. In the course of experiments, he found that all black beards were electrical in the same degree, and being ignorant of philosophy, ascribed it to some supernatural virtue, in consequence of which they were promoted as the holiest of the Bonzas. But you and I know, that such a phosphorus is obtained from the most worthless and corrupted materials, such as rotten wood, putrefied veal, and stinking whiting.
Fika-kaka, such as I described him, could not possibly act in the character of Cuboy, without the assistance of counsellors and subalterns, who understood the detail of government and the forms of business. He was accordingly surrounded by a number of satellites, who reflected his lustre in their several spheres of rotation; and though their immersions and emersions were apparently abrubt and irregular, formed a kind of luminous belt as pale and comfortless as the ring of Saturn, the most distant, cold, and baleful of all the planets.
The most remarkable of these subordinates, was Sti-phi-rum-poo, a man, who, from a low plebeian origin, had raised himself to one of the first offices of the empire, to the dignity of Quo, or nobleman, and a considerable share of the Dairo's personal regard. He owed his whole success to his industry, assiduity, and circumspection.
During the former part of his life, he studied the laws of Japan with such severity of application, that though unassisted by the least gleam of genius, and destitute of the smallest pretension to talent, he made himself master of all the written ordinances, all the established customs, and forms of proceeding in the different tribunals of the empire. In the progress of his vocation, he became an advocate of some eminence, and even acquired reputation for polemical eloquence, though his manner was ever dry, laboured, and unpleasant—Being elevated to the station of a judge, he so far justified the interest by which he had been promoted, that his honesty was never called in question; and his sentences were generally allowed to be just and upright. He heard causes with the most painful attention, seemed to be indefatigable in his researches after truth; and though he was forbidding in his aspect, slow in deliberation, tedious in discussion, and cold in his address; yet I must own, he was also unbiassed in his decisions —I mean, unbiassed by any consciousness of sinister motive: for a man may be biassed by the nature of his disposition, as well as by prejudices acquired, and yet not guilty of intentional partiality. Sti-phi-rum-poo was scrupulously just, according to his own ideas of justice, and consequently well qualified to decide in common controversies. But in delicate cases, which required an uncommon share of penetration; when the province of a supreme judge is to mitigate the severity, and sometimes even deviate from the dead letter of the common law, in favour of particular institutions, or of humanity in general; he had neither genius to enlighten his understanding, sentiment to elevate his mind, nor courage to surmount the petty inclosures of ordinary practice. He was accused of avarice and cruelty; but, in fact, these were not active passions in his heart. The conduct which seemed to justify these imputations, was wholly owing to a total want of taste and generosity. The nature of his post furnished him with opportunities to accumulate riches; and as the narrowness of his mind admitted no ideas of elegance or refined pleasure, he knew not how to use his wealth so as to avoid the charge of a sordid disposition. His temper was not rapacious but retentive: he knew not the use of wealth, and therefore did not use it at all: but was in this particular neither better nor worse than a strong-box for the convenience and advantage of his heir. The appearance of cruelty remarkable in his counsels, relating to some wretched insurgents who had been taken in open rebellion, and the rancorous pleasure he seemed to feel in pronouncing sentence of death by self-exenteration , was in fact the gratification of a dastardly heart, which had never acknowledged the least impulse of any liberal sentiment. This being the case, mankind ought not to impute that to his guilt which was, in effect, the consequence of his infirmity. A man might, with equal justice, be punished for being purblind. Sti-phi-rum-poo was much more culpable for seeking to shine in a sphere for which nature never intended him; I mean for commencing statesman, and intermeddling in the machine of government: yet even into this character he was forced, as it were, by the opinion and injunctions of Fika-kaka, who employed him at first in making speeches for the Dairo, which that prince used to pronounce in public, at certain seasons of the year. These speeches being tolerably well received by the populace, the Cuboy conceived an extraordinary opinion of his talents; and thought him extremely well qualified to ease him of great part of the burthen of government. He found him very well disposed to engage heartily in his interests. Then he was admitted to the osculation a posteriori ; and though his beard was not black, but rather of a subfuscan hue, he managed it with such dexterity, that Fika-kaka declared the salute gave him unspeakable pleasure: while the bystanders protested that the contact produced, not simply electrical sparks or scintillations, but even a perfect irradiation, which seemed altogether supernatural. From this moment, Sti-phi-rum-poo was initiated in the mysteries of the cabinet, and even introduced to the person of the Dairo Got-hama-baba, whose pedestrian favours he shared with his new patron. It was observed, however, that even after his promotion and nobilitation, he still retained his original aukwardness, and never could acquire that graceful ease of attitude with which the Cuboy presented his parts averse to the contemplation of his sovereign. Indeed this minister's body was so well moulded for the celebration of the rite, that one would have imagined nature had formed him expressly for that purpose, with his head and body projecting forwards, so as to form an angle of forty-five with the horizon, while the glutæi muscles swelled backwards as if ambitious to meet half-way the imperial encounter.
The third connexion that strengthened this political band was Ninkom-poo-po, commander of the Fune, or navy of Japan, who, if ever man was, might surely be termed the child of fortune. He was bred to the sea from his infancy, and, in the course of pacific service, rose to the command of a jonkh, when he was so lucky as to detect a crew of pyrates employed on a desolate shore in concealing a hoard of money which they had taken from the merchants of Corea. Nin-kom-poo-po, falling in with them at night, attacked them unawares, and having obtained an easy victory, carried off the treasure. I cannot help being amused at the folly of you silly mortals, when I recollect the transports of the people at the return of this fortunate officer, with a paultry mass of silver parading in covered waggons escorted by his crew in arms. The whole city of Meaco resounded with acclamation; and Nin-kom-poo-po was extolled as the greatest hero that ever the empire of Japan produced. The Cuboy honoured him with five kisses in public; accepted of the osculation in private, recommended him in the strongest terms to the Dairo, who promoted him to the rank of Sey-seo-gun, or general at sea. He professed himself an adherent to the Cuboy, entered into a strict alliance with Stiphi-rum-poo, and the whole management of the Fune was consigned into his hands. With respect to his understanding, it was just sufficient to comprehend the duties of a common mariner, and to follow the ordinary route of the most sordid avarice. As to his heart, he might be said to be in a state of total apathy, without principle or passion; for I cannot afford the name of passion to such a vile appetite as an insatiable thirst of lucre. He was, indeed, so cold and forbidding, that, in Japan, the people distinguished him by a nick-name equivalent to the English word Salamander not that he was inclined to live in fire, but that the coldness of his heart would have extinguished any fire it had approached. Some individuals imagined he had been begot upon a mermaid by a sailor of Kamschatka; but this was a mere fable. ——-I can assure you, however, that when his lips were in contact with the Cuboy's posteriors, Fika-kaka's teeth were seen to chatter. The pride of this animal was equal to his frigidity. He affected to establish new regulations at the council where he presided: he treated his equals with insolence, and his superiors with contempt. Other people generally rejoice in obliging their fellow-creatures, when they can do it without prejudice to their own interest. Nin-kom-poo-po had a repulsive power in his disposition: and seemed to take pleasure in denying a request. When this vain creature, selfish, inelegant, arrogant, and uncouth, appeared in all his trappings at the Dairo's court, upon a festival, he might have been justly compared to a Lapland idol of ice, adorned with a profusion of brass leaf and trinkets of pewter. In the direction of the Fune, he was provided with a certain number of assessors, counsellors, or co-adjutors; but these he never consulted, more than if they had been wooden images. He distributed his commands among his own dependants; and left all the forms of the office to the care of the scribe, who thus became so necessary, that his influence sometimes had well nigh interfered with that of the president: nay, they have been seen, like the electrical spheres of two bodies, repelling each other. Hence it was observed, that the office of the Seyseo-gun-sialty resembled the serpent called Amphisbæna, which, contrary to the formation of other animals in head and tail, has a head where the tail should be. Well, indeed, might they compare them to a serpent, in creeping, cunning, coldness, and venom; but the comparison would have held with more propriety, had Nature produced a serpent without ever a head at all.
The fourth who contributed his credit and capacity to this coalition, was Foksi-Roku, a man who greatly surpassed them all in the science of politicks, bold, subtle, interested, insinuating, ambitious, and indefatigable. An adventurer from his cradle, a latitudinarian in principle, a libertine in morals, without the advantages of birth, fortune, character, or interest; by his own natural sagacity, a close attention to the follies and foibles of mankind, a projecting spirit, an invincible assurance, and an obstinacy of perseverance proof against all the shocks of disappointment and repulse; he forced himself as it were into the scale of preferment; and being found equally capable and compliant, rose to high offices of trust and profit, detested by the people, as one of the most desperate tools of a wicked administration; and odious to his colleagues in the m—y, for his superior talents, his restless ambition, and the uncertainty of his attachment.
As interest prompted him, he hovered between the triumvirate we have described, and another knot of competitors for the ad—n, headed by Quamba-cun-dono, a great Quo related to the Dairo, who had bore the supreme command in the army, and was stiled Fatzman, kat' exoken, or, by way of eminence. This accomplished prince was not only the greatest in his mind, but also the largest in his person of all the subjects of Japan; and whereas your Shakespeare makes Falstaff urge it as a plea in his own favour, that as he had more flesh, so likewise he had more frailty than other men; I may justly convert the proposition in favour of Quamba-cun-dono, and affirm that as he had more flesh, so he had more virtue than any other Japonese; more bowels, more humanity, more beneficence, more affability. He was undoubtedly, for a Fatzman, the most courteous, the most gallant, the most elegant, generous, and munificent Quo that ever adorned the court of Japan. So consummate in the art of war, that the whole world could not produce a general to match him in foresight, vigilance, conduct, and ability. Indeed his intellects were so extraordinary and extensive, that he seemed to sentimentize at every pore, and to have the faculty of thinking diffused all over his frame, even to his fingers ends or, as the Latins call it ad unguem: nay, so wonderful was his organical conformation, that, in the opinion of many Japonese philosophers, his whole body was enveloped in a kind of poultice of brain, and that if he had lost his head in battle, the damage with regard to his power of reflection would have been scarce perceptible. After he had atchieved many glorious exploits, in a war against the Chinese on the continent, he was sent with a strong army to quell a dangerous insurrection in the northern parts of Ximo, which is one of the Japonese islands. He accordingly by his valour crushed the rebellion; and afterwards, by dint of clemency and discretion, extinguished the last embers of disaffection. When the insurgents were defeated, dispersed, and disarmed, and a sufficient number selected for example, his humanity emerged, and took full possession of his breast. He considered them as wretched men misled by false principles of honour, and sympathized with their distress: he pitied them as men and fellow-citizens: he regarded them as useful fellow-subjects, who might be reclaimed and reunited to the community. Instead of sending out the ministers of blood, rapine, and revenge, to ravage, burn, and destroy, without distinction of age, sex, or principle; he extended the arms of mercy to all who would embrace that indulgence: he protected the lives and habitations of the helpless, and diminished the number of the malcontents much more effectually by his benevolence than by his sword.
The southern Japonese had been terribly alarmed at this insurrection, and in the first transports of their deliverance, voluntarily taxed themselves with a considerable yearly tribute to the hero Quamba-cun-dono. In all probability, they would not have appeared so grateful, had they stayed to see the effects of his merciful disposition towards the vanquished rebels: for mercy is surely no attribute of the Japonese, considered as a people. Indeed, nothing could form a more striking contrast, than appeared in the transactions in the northern and southern parts of the empire at this juncture. While the amiable Quamba-cun-dono was employed in the godlike office of gathering together, and cherishing under his wings the poor, dispersed, forlorn, widows and orphans, whom the savage hand of war had deprived of parent, husband, home, and sostenance; while he, in the North, gathered these miserable creatures, even as a hen gathereth her chickens; Sti-phi-rum-poo, and other judges in the South, were condemning such of their parents and husbands as survived the sword, to crucifixion, cauldrons of boiling oil, or exenteration; and the people were indulging their appetites by feasting upon the viscera thus extracted. The liver of a Ximian was in such request at this period, that if the market had been properly managed and supplied, this delicacy would have sold for two Obans a pound, or about four pounds sterling. The troops in the North might have provided at the rate of a thousand head per month for the demand of Meaco; and tho' the other parts of the carcase would not have sold at so high a price as the liver, heart, harrigals, sweet-bread, and pope's eye; yet the whole, upon an average, would have fetched at the rate of three hundred pounds a head; especially if those animals, which are but poorly fed in their own country, had been fattened up and kept upon hard meat for the slaughter. This new branch of traffick would have produced about three hundred and sixty thousand pounds annually: for the rebellion might easily have been fomented from year to year; and consequently it would have yielded a considerable addition to the emperor's revenue, by a proper taxation.
The philosophers of Japan were divided in their opinions concerning this new taste for Ximian flesh, which suddenly sprung up among the Japonese. Some ascribed it to a principle of hatred and revenge, agreeable to the common expression of animosity among the multitude, "You dog, I'll have your liver." Others imputed it to a notion analagous to the vulgar conceit, that the liver of a mad dog being eaten is a preventive against madness; ergo, the liver of a traitor is an antidote against treason. A third sort derived this strange appetite from the belief of the Americans, who imagine they shall inherit all the virtues of the enemies they devour; and a fourth affirmed that the demand for this dainty arose from a very high and peculiar flavour in Ximian flesh, which flavour was discovered by accident: moreover, there were not wanting some who supposed this banquet was a kind of sacrifice to the powers of sorcery; as we find that one of the ingredients of the charm prepared in Shakespear's cauldron was "the liver of blaspheming Jew:" and indeed it is not at all improbable that the liver of a rebellious Ximian might be altogether as effectual. I know that Fika-kaka was stimulated by curiosity to try the experiment, and held divers consultations with his cooks on this subject. They all declared in favour of the trial; and it was accordingly presented at the table, where the Cuboy eat of it to such excess as to produce a surfeit. He underwent a severe evacuation both ways, attended with cold sweats and swoonings. In a word, his agony was so violent, that he ever after loathed the sight of Ximian flesh, whether dead or alive.
With the Fatzman Quamba-cun-dono was connected another Quo called Gotto-mio, viceroy of Xicoco, one of the islands of Japan. If his understanding had been as large as his fortune, and his temper a little more tractable, he would have been a dangerous rival to the Cuboy. But if their brains had been weighed against each other, the nineteenth part of a grain would have turned either scale; and as Fika-kaka had negative qualities, which supported and extended his personal influence, so Gotto-mio had positive powers, that defended him from all approaches of popularity. His pride was of the insolent order; his temper extremely irascible; and his avarice quite rapacious: nay, he is said to have once declined the honour of a kicking from the Dairo. Conceited of his own talents, he affected to harangue in the council of Twenty Eight; but his ideas were embarrassed; his language was mean; and his elocution more discordant than the braying of fifty asses. When Fika-kaka addressed himself to speech, an agreeable simper played upon the countenances of all the audience: but soon as Gotto-mio stood up, every spectator raised his thumbs to his ears, as it were instinctively. The Dairo Got-hama-baba, by the advice of the Cuboy, sent him over to govern the people of Xicoco, and a more effectual method could not have been taken to mortify his arrogance. His deportment was so insolent, his oeconomy so sordid, and his government so arbitrary, that those islanders, who are remarkably ferocious and impatient, expressed their hatred and contempt of him on every occasion. His Quanbukuship was hardly safe from outrage in the midst of his guards; and a cross was actually erected for the execution of his favourite Kow-kin, who escaped with some difficulty to the island of Niphon, whither also his patron soon followed him, attended by the curses of the people whom he had been sent to rule.
He who presided at the council of Twenty Eight was called Soo-san-sin-o, an old experienced shrewd politician, who conveyed more sense in one single sentence, than could have been distilled from all the other brains in council, had they been macerated in one alembic. He was a man of extensive learning and elegant taste. He saw through the characters of his fellow-labourers in the ad—n. He laughed at the folly of one faction, and detested the arrogance and presumption of the other. In an assembly of sensible men, his talents would have shone with superior lustre: but at the council of Twenty Eight, they were obscured by the thick clouds of ignorance that enveloped his brethren. The Dairo had a personal respect for him, and is said to have conferred frequent favours on his posteriors in private. He kicked the Cuboy often ex officio, as a husband thinks it incumbent upon him to caress his wife: but he kicked the president for pleasure, as a voluptuary embraces his mistress. Soo-san-sin-o, conscious that he had no family interest to support him in cabals among the people, and careless of his country's fate, resolved to enjoy the comforts of life in quiet. He laughed and quaffed with his select companions in private; received his appointments thankfully; and swam with the tide of politicks as it happened to flow. —--It was pretty extraordinary that the wisest man should be the greatest cypher: but such was the will of the gods.
Besides these great luminaries that enlightened the cabinet of Japan, I shall have occasion, in the course of my narrative, to describe many other stars of an inferior order. At this board, there was as great a variety of characters, as we find in the celebrated table of Cebes. Nay, indeed, what was objected to the philosopher, might have been more justly said of the Japonese councils. There was neither invention, unity, nor design among them. They consisted of mobs of sauntering, strolling, vagrant, and ridiculous politicians. Their schemes were absurd, and their deliberations like the sketches of anarchy. All was bellowing, bleating, braying, grinning, grumbling, confusion, and uproar. It was more like a dream of chaos than a picture of human life. If the DAIMON, or Genius was wanting, it must be owned that Fika-kaka exactly answered Cebes's description of TPSXE, or Fortune, blind and frantic, running about every where; giving to some, and taking from others, without rule or distinction; while her emblem of the round stone, fairly shews his giddy nature; kalos menuei phusin autes. Here, however, one might have seen many other figures of the painter's allegory; such as Deception tendering the cup of ignorance and error, opinions and appetites; Disappointment and Anguish; Debauchery, Profligacy, Gluttony, and Adulation; Luxury, Fraud, Rapine, Perjury, and Sacrilege: but not the least traces of the virtues which are described in the groupe of true education, and in the grove of happiness.
The two factions that divided the council of Japan, tho' inveterate enemies to each other, heartily and cordially concurred in one particular, which was the worship established in the temple of Fakkubasi, or the White Horse. This was the orthodox faith in Japan, and was certainly founded, as St. Paul saith of the Christian religion, upon the evidence of things not seen. All the votaries of this superstition of Fakkubasi subscribed and swore to the following creed, implicitly, without hesitation, or mental reservation. "I believe in the White Horse, that he descended from heaven, and sojourned in Jeddo, which is the land of promise. I believe in Bupo his apostle, who first declared to the children of Niphon, the glad tidings of the gospel of Fakkubasi. I believe that the White Horse was begot by a black mule, and brought forth by a green dragon; that his head is of silver, and his hoofs are of brass; that he eats gold as provender, and discharges diamonds as dung; that the Japonese are ordained and predestined to furnish him with food, and the people of Jeddo to clear away his litter. I believe that the island of Niphon is joined to the continent of Jeddo; and that whoever thinks otherwise shall be damned to all eternity. I believe that the smallest portion of matter may be practically divided ad infinitum: that equal quantities taken from equal quantities, an unequal quantity will remain: that two and two make seven: that the sun rules the night, the stars the day; and the moon is made of green cheese. Finally, I believe that a man cannot be saved without devoting his goods and his chattels, his children, relations, and friends, his senses and ideas, his soul and his body, to the religion of the White Horse, as it is prescribed in the ritual of Fakkubasi." These are the tenets which the Japonese ministers swallowed as glib as the English clergy swallow the thirty-nine articles.
Having thus characterised the chiefs that disputed the administration, or, in other words, the empire of Japan, I shall now proceed to a plain narration of historical incidents, without pretending to philosophize like H—e, or dogmatize like S—tt. I shall only tell thee, Nathaniel, that Britain never gave birth but to two historians worthy of credit, and they were Taliessin and Geoffrey of Monmouth. I'll tell you another secret. The whole world has never been able to produce six good historians. Herodotus is fabulous even to a proverb; Thucydides is perplexed, obscure, and unimportant; Polybius is dry and inelegant; Livy superficial; and Tacitus a coxcomb. Guicciardini wants interest; Davila, digestion; and Sarpi, truth. In the whole catalogue of French historians, there is not one of tolerable authenticity
In the year of the period Foggien one hundred and fifty four, the tranquility of Japan was interrupted by the incroachments of the Chinese adventurers, who made descents upon certain islands belonging to the Japonese a great way to the southward of Xicoco. They even settled colonies, and built forts on some of them, while the two empires were at peace with each other. When the Japonese governors expostulated with the Chinese officers on this intrusion, they were treated with ridicule and contempt: then they had recourse to force of arms, and some skirmishes were fought with various success. When the tidings of these hostilities arrived at Meaco, the whole council of Twenty-Eight was overwhelmed with fear and confusion. The Dairo kicked them all round, not from passion, but by way of giving an animating fillip to their deliberative faculties. The disputes had happened in the island of Fatsissio: but there were only three members of the council who knew that Fatsissio was an island, although the commerce there carried on was of the utmost importance to the empire of Japan. They were as much in the dark with respect to its situation. Fika-kaka, on the supposition that it adjoined to the coast of Corea, expressed his apprehension that the Chinese would invade it with a numerous army; and was so transported when Foksi-roku assured him it was an island at a vast distance from any continent, that he kissed him five times in the face of the whole council; and his royal master, Got-hama-baba, swore he should be indulged with a double portion of kicking at his next private audience. The same counsellor proposed, that as the Fune or navy of Japan was much more numerous than the fleet of China, they should immediately avail themselves of this advantage. Quamba-cun-dono the Fatzman was of opinion that war should be immediately declared, and an army transported to the continent. Stiphi-rum-poo thought it would be more expedient to sweep the seas of the Chinese trading vessels, without giving them any previous intimation; and to this opinion admiral Nin-kom-poo-po subscribed, not only out of deference to the superior understanding of his sage ally, who undertook to prove it was not contrary to the law of nature and nations, to plunder the subjects of foreign powers, who trade on the faith of treaties; but also from his own inclination, which was much addicted to pillage without bloodshed. To him, therefore, the task was left of scouring the seas, and intercepting the succours which (they had received intelligence) were ready to sail from one of the ports of China to the island of Fatsissio. In the mean time, junks were provided for transporting thither a body of Japonese troops, under the command of one Koan, an obscure officer without conduct or experience, whom the Fatzman selected for this service: not that he supposed him possessed of superior merit, but because no leader of distinction cared to engage in such a disagreeable expedition.
Nin-kom-poo-po acted according to the justest ideas which had been formed of his understanding. He let loose his cruisers among the merchant ships of China, and the harbours of Japan were quickly filled with prizes and prisoners. The Chinese exclaimed against these proceedings as the most perfidious acts of piracy; and all the other powers of Asia beheld them with astonishment. But the consummate wisdom of the sea Sey-seo-gun appeared most conspicuous in another stroke of generalship, which he now struck. Instead of blocking up in the Chinese harbour the succours destined to reinforce the enemy in Fatsissio, until they should be driven from their incroachments on that island, he very wisely sent a strong squadron of Fune to cruise in the open sea, midway between China and Fatsissio, in the most tempestuous season of the year, when the fogs are so thick and so constant in that latitude, as to rival the darkness of a winter night; and supported the feasibility of this scheme in council, by observing, that the enemy would be thus decoyed from their harbour, and undoubtedly intercepted in their passage by the Japonese squadron. This plan was applauded as one of the most ingenious stratagems that ever was devised; and Fika-kaka insisted upon kissing his posteriors, as the most honourable mark of his approbation.
Philosophers have observed, that the motives of actions are not to be estimated by events. Fortune did not altogether fulfil the expectations of the council. General Koan suffered himself and his army to be decoyed into the middle of a wood, where they stood like sheep in the shambles, to be slaughtered by an unseen enemy. The Chinese succours perceiving their harbour open, set sail for Fatsissio, which they reached in safety, by changing their course about one degree from the common route; while the Japonese Fune continued cruising among the fogs, until the ships were shattered by storms, and the crews more than half destroyed by cold and distemper.
When the news of these disasters arrived, great commotion arose in the council. The Dairo Got-hama-baba fluttered, and clucked and cackled and hissed like a goose disturbed in the act of incubation. Quamba-cun-dono shed bitter tears: the Cuboy snivelled and sobbed: Sti-phi-rum-poo groaned: Gotto-mio swore: but the sea Sey-seo-gun Nin-kom-poo-po underwent no alteration. He sat as the emblem of insensibility, fixed as the north star, and as cold as that luminary, sending forth emanations of frigidity. Fi-ka-ka, mistaking this congelation for fortitude, went round and embraced him where he sat, exclaiming, "My dear Day, Sey-seo-gun, what would you advise in this dilemma?" But the contact had almost cost him his life; for the touch of Nin-kom-poo-po, thus congealed, had the same effect as that of the fish called Torpor. The Cuboy's whole body was instantly benumbed; and if his friends had not instantly poured down his throat a considerable quantity of strong spirit, the circulation would have ceased. This is what philosophers call a generation of cold, which became so intense, that the mercury in a Japonese thermometer constructed on the same principles which were afterwards adopted by Fahrnheit, and fixed in the apartment, immediately sunk thirty degrees below the freezing point.
The first astonishment of the council was succeeded by critical remarks and argumentation. The Dairo consoled himself by observing, that his troops made a very soldierly appearance as they lay on the field in their new cloathing, smart caps, and clean buskins; and that the enemy allowed they had never seen beards and whiskers in better order. He then declared, that should a war ensue with China, he would go abroad and expose himself for the glory of Japan. Foksi-roku expressed his surprize, that a general should march his army through a wood in an unknown country, without having it first reconnoitred: but the Fatzman assured him, that was a practice never admitted into the discipline of Japan. Gotto-mio swore the man was mad to stand with his men, like oxen in a stall, to be knocked on the head without using any means of defence. "Why the devil (said he) did not he either retreat, or advance to close engagement with the handful of Chinese who formed the ambuscade?" "I hope, my dear Quanbuku, (replied the Fatzman) that the troops of Japan will always stand without flinching. I should have been mortified beyond measure, had they retreated without seeing the face of the enemy:—-- that would have been a disgrace which never befel any troops formed under my direction; and as for advancing, the ground would not permit any manoeuvre of that nature. They were engaged in a cul de sac, where they could not form either in hollow square, front line, potence, column or platoon. —-It was the fortune of war, and they bore it like men:—-we shall be more fortunate on another occasion." The president Soo-san-sin-o, took notice, that if there had been one spaniel in the whole Japonese army, this disaster could not have happened; as the animal would have beat the bushes and discovered the ambuscade. He therefore proposed, that if the war was to be prosecuted in Fatsissio, which is a country overgrown with wood, a number of blood-hounds might be provided and sent over, to run upon the foot in the front and on the flanks of the army, when it should be on its march through such impediments. Quamba-cun-dono declared, that soldiers had much better die in the bed of honour, than be saved and victorious, by such an unmilitary expedient; that such a proposal was so contrary to the rules of war and the scheme of enlisting dogs so derogatory from the dignity of the service, that if ever it should be embraced, he would resign his command, and spend the remainder of his life in retirement. This canine project was equally disliked by the Dairo, who approved of the Fatzman's objection, and sealed his approbation with a pedestrian salute of such momentum, that the Fatzman could hardly stand under the weight of the compliment. It was agreed that new levies should be made, and a new squadron of Fune equipped with all expedition; and thus the assembly broke up.
Fortune had not yet sufficiently humbled the pride of Japan. That body of Chinese which defeated Koan, made several conquests in Fastsissio, and seemed to be in a fair way of reducing the whole island. Yet, the court of China, not satisfied with this success, resolved to strike a blow, that should be equally humiliating to the Japonese, in another part of the world. Having by specious remonstrances already prepossessed all the neighbouring nations against the government of Japan, as the patrons of perfidy and piracy; they fitted out an armament, which was intended to subdue the island of Motao on the coast of Corea, which the Japonese had taken in a former war, and now occupied at a very great expence, as a place of the utmost importance to the commerce of the empire. Repeated advices of the enemy's design were sent from different parts, to the m—y of Japan: but they seemed all overwhelmed by such a lethargy of infatuation, that no measures of prevention were concerted.
Such was the opinion of the people; but the truth is, they were fast asleep. The Japonese hold with the antient Greeks and modern Americans, that dreams are from heaven; and in any perplexing emergency, they, like the Indians, Jews, and natives of Madagascar, have recourse to dreaming as to an oracle. These dreams or divinations are preceded by certain religious rites analagous to the ceremony of the ephod, the urim and the thummim. The rites were religiously performed in the council of Twenty-Eight; and a deep sleep overpowered the Dairo and all his counsellors.
Got-hama-baba the emperor, who reposed his head upon the pillowy sides of Quamba-cun-dono, dreamed that he was sacrificing in the temple of Fakkubasi, and saw the deity of the White Horse devouring pearls by the bushel at one end, and voiding corruption by the ton at the other. The Fatzman dreamed that a great number of Chinese cooks were busy buttering his brains. Got-to-mio dreamed of lending money and borrowing sense. Sti-phi-rum-poo thought he had procured a new law for clapping padlocks upon the chastity of all the females in Japan under twenty, of which padlocks he himself kept the keys. Nin-kom-poo-po dreamed he was metamorphosed into a sea-lion, in pursuit of a shoal of golden gudgeons. One did laugh in's sleep, and one cried murder. The first was Soo-san-sin-o, who had precisely the same vision that disturbed the imagination of the Cuboy. He thought he saw the face of a right reverend prelate of the Bonzas, united with and growing to the posteriors of the minister. Fika-kaka underwent the same disagreeable illusion, with this aggravating circumstance, that he already felt the teeth of the said Bonza. The president laughed aloud at the ridiculous phænomenon: the Cuboy exclaimed in the terror of being encumbered with such a monstrous appendage. It was not without some reason he cried, "Murder!" Foksi-roku, who happened to sleep on the next chair, dreamed of money-bags, places, and reversions; and in the transport of his eagerness, laid fast hold on the trunk-breeches of the Cuboy, including certain fundamentals, which he grasped so violently as to excite pain, and extort the exclamation from Fika-kaka, even in his sleep.
The council being at last waked by the clamours of the people, who surrounded the palace, and proclaimed that Motao was in danger of an invasion; the sea Sey-seo-gun Nin-kom-poo-po, was ordered to fit out a fleet of Fune for the relief of that island; and directions were given that the commander of these Fune should, in his voyage, touch at the garrison of Foutao, and take on board from thence a certain number of troops, to reinforce the Japonese governor of the place that was in danger. Nin-kom-poo-po for this service chose the commander Bihn-goh, a man who had never signalized himself by any act of valour. He sent him out with a squadron of Fune ill manned, wretchedly provided, and inferior in number to the fleet of China, which was by this time known to be assembled in order to support the invasion of the island of Motao. He sailed, nevertheless, on this expedition, and touched at the garrison of Foutao to take in the reinforcement: but the orders sent for this purpose from Nob-o-di, minister for the department of war, appeared so contradictory and absurd, that they could not possibly be obeyed; so that Bihn-goh proceeded without the reinforcement towards Motao, the principal fortress of which was by this time invested. He had been accidentally joined by a few cruisers, which rendered him equal in strength to the Chinese squadron which he now descried. Both commanders seemed afraid of each other. The fleets, however, engaged; but little damage was done to either. They parted as if by consent. Bihn-goh made the best of his way back to Foutao, without making the least attempt to succour, or open a communication with Fi-de-ta-da, the governor of Motao, who, looking upon himself as abandoned by his country, surrendered his fortress, with the whole island, to the Chinese general. These disgraces happening on the back of the Fatsissian disasters, raised a prodigious ferment in Japan, and the ministry had almost sunk under the first fury of the people's resentment. They not only exclaimed against the folly of the administration, but they also accused them of treachery; and seemed to think that the glory and advantage of the empire had been betrayed. What increased the commotion was the terror of an invasion, with which the Chinese threatened the islands of Japan. The terrors of Fika-ka had already cost him two pair of trunk hose, which were defiled by sudden sallies or irruptions from the postern of his microcosm; and these were attended with such noisome effluvia, that the Bonzas could not perform the barbal abstersion without marks of abhorrence. The emperor himself was seen to stop his nose, and turn away his head, when he approached him to perform the pedestrian exercise.
Here I intended to insert a dissertation on trousers or trunk breeches, called by the Greeks brakoi, & perisomata, by the Latins braccæ laxæ, by the Spaniards bragas anchas, by the Italians calzone largo, by the French haut de chausses, by the Saxons bræcce, by the Swedes brackor, by the Irish briechan, by the Celtæ brag, and by the Japonese bra-ak. I could make some curious discoveries touching the analogy between the Perisomata and Zonion gunaikeion, and point out the precise time at which the Grecian women began to wear the breeches. I would have demonstrated that the cingulum muliebre was originally no other than the wife's literally wearing the husband's trousers at certain orgia, as a mark of dominion transferred pro tempore, to the female. I would have drawn a curious parallel between the Zonion of the Greek, and the shim or middle cloth worn by the black ladies in Guinea. I would have proved that breeches were not first used to defend the central parts from the injuries of the weather, inasmuch as they were first worn by the Orientals in a warm climate; as you may see in Persius, Braccatis illita medis—-porticus. I would have shewn that breeches were first brought from Asia to the northern parts of Europe, by the Celtæ sprung from the antient Gomanaus: that trousers were wore in Scotland long before the time of Pythagoras; and indeed we are told by Jamblychus, that Abaris, the famous Highland philosopher, contemporary, and personally acquainted with the sage of Crotona, wore long trousers. I myself can attest the truth of that description, as I well remember the person and habit of that learned mountaineer. I would have explained the reasons that compelled the posterity of those mountaineers to abandon the breeches of their forefathers, and expose their posteriors to the wind. I would have convinced the English antiquaries that the inhabitants of Yorkshire came originally from the Highlands of Scotland, before the Scots had laid aside their breeches, and wore this part of dress, long after their ancestors, as well as the southern Britons were unbreeched by the Romans. From this distinction they acquired the name of Brigantes, quasi Bragantes; and hence came the verb to brag or boast contemptuously: for the neighbours of the Brigantes being at variance with that people, used, by way of contumelious defiance, when they saw any of them passing or repassing, to clap their hands on their posteriors, and cry Brag-Brag. —-I would have drawn a learned comparison between the shield of Ajax and the seven-fold breeches of a Dutch skipper. Finally, I would have promulgated the original use of trunk breeches, which would have led me into a discussion of the rites of Cloacina, so differently worshipped by the southern and northern inhabitants of this kingdom. These disquisitions would have unveiled the mysteries that now conceal the orgin, migration, superstition, language, laws, and connexions of different nations ——sed nunc non erit his locus. I shall only observe, that Linschot and others are mistaken in deriving the Japonese from their neighbours the Chinese; and that Dr. Kempfer is right in his conjecture, supposing them to have come from Media immediately after the confusion of Babel. It is no wonder, therefore, that being Braccatorum filii, they should retain the wide breeches of their progenitors.
Having dropped these hints concerning the origin of breeches, I shall now return to the great personage that turned me into this train of thinking. The council of Twenty-Eight being assembled in a great hurry, Fika-kaka sat about five seconds in silence, having in his countenance, nearly the same expression which you have seen in the face and attitude of Felix on his tribunal, as represented by the facetious Hogarth in his print done after the Dutch taste. After some pause he rose, and surveying every individual of the council through a long tube, began a speech to this effect: "Imperial Got-hama-baba, my ever-glorious master; and you, ye illustrious nobles of Japan, Quanbukus, Quos, Days, and Daygos, my fellows and colleagues in the work of administration; it is well known to you all, and they are rascals that deny it, I have watched and fasted for the public weal. —By G—d, I have deprived myself of two hours of my natural rest, every night for a week together. —Then, I have been so hurried with state affairs, that I could not eat a comfortable meal in a whole fortnight; and what rendered this misfortune the greater, my chief cook had dressed an olio a la Chine. —I say an olio, my Lords, such an olio as never appeared before upon a table in Japan—by the Lord, it cost me fifty Obans; and I had not time to taste a morsel. —Well, then, I have watched that my fellow-subjects should sleep; I have fasted that they should feed. —I have not only watched and fasted, but I have prayed—no, not much of that— yes, by the Lord, I have prayed as it were—I have ejaculated—I have danced and sung at the Matsuris, which, you know, are religious rites—I have headed the multitude, and treated all the ragamuffins in Japan. —To be certain, I could not do too much for our most excellent and sublime emperor, an emperor unequalled in wisdom, and unrivalled in generosity. —Were I to expatiate from the rising of the sun to the setting thereof, I should not speak half his praise. —O happy nation! O fortunate Japan! happy in such a Dairo to wield the sceptre; and let me add, (vanity apart) fortunate in such a Cuboy to conduct the administration. —Such a prince! and such a minister!—a ha! my noble friend Soo-san-sin-o, I see your Dayship smile—I know what you think, ha! ha! —Very well, my Lord—you may think what you please; but two such head-pieces—pardon, my royal master, my presumption in laying our heads together, you wo'n't find again in the whole universe, ha! ha! —I'll be damn'd if you do, ha! ha! ha!" The tumult without doors was, by this time, increased to such a degree, that the Cuboy could utter nothing more ab anteriori; and the majority of the members sat aghast in silence. The Dairo declared he would throw his cap out of the window into the midst of the populace, and challenge any single man of them to bring it up: but he was dissuaded from hazarding his sacred person in such a manner. Quamba-cun-dono proposed to let loose the guards among the multitude: but Fika-kaka protested he could never agree to an expedient so big with danger to the persons of all present. Sti-phi-rum-poo was of opinion, that they should proceed according to law, and indict the leaders of the mob for a riot. Nin-kom-poo-po exhorted the Dairo and the whole council to take refuge on board the fleet. Gotto-mio sweated in silence: he trembled for his money-bags, and dreaded another encounter with the mob, by whom he had suffered severely in the flesh, upon a former occasion. The president shrugged up his shoulders, and kept his eye fixed upon a postern or back-door. In this general consternation, Foksi-roku stood up and offered a scheme, which was immediately put in execution. "The multitude, my Lords, (said he) is a many headed monster—it is a Cerberus that must have a sop:—it is a wild beast, so ravenous that nothing but blood will appease its appetite: —it is a whale, that must have a barrel for its amusement:—it is a dæmon to which we must offer up human sacrifice. Now the question is, who is to be this sop, this barrel, this scape-goat? —Tremble not, illustrious Fika-kaka—be not afraid— your life is of too much consequence. —But I perceive that the Cuboy is moved—an unsavoury odour assails my nostrils—brief let me be— Bihn-goh must be the victim—happy, if the sacrifice of his single life can appease the commotions of his country. To him let us impute the loss of Motao:—let us, in the mean time, soothe the rabble with solemn promises that national justice shall be done;—let us employ emissaries to mingle in all places of plebeian resort; to puzzle, perplex, and prevaricate; to exaggerate the misconduct of Bihn-goh; to traduce his character with retrospective reproach; strain circumstances to his prejudice; inflame the resentment of the vulgar against that devoted officer; and keep up the flame by feeding it with continual fuel."
The speech was heard with universal applause: Foksi-roku was kicked by the Dairo and kissed by the Cuboy, in token of approbation. The populace were dispersed by means of fair promises. Bihn-goh was put under arrest, and kept as a malefactor in close prison. Agents were employed through the whole metropolis to vilify his character, and accuse him of cowardice and treachery. Authors were enlisted to defame him in public writings; and mobs-hired to hang and burn him in effigie. By these means the revenge of the people was artfully transferred, and their attention effectually diverted from the ministry, which was the first object of their indignation. At length, matters being duly prepared for the exhibition of such an extraordinary spectacle, Bihn-goh underwent a public trial, was unanimously found guilty, and unanimously declared innocent; by the same mouths condemned to death and recommended to mercy: but mercy was incompatible with the designs of the ad—n. The unfortunate Bihn-goh was crucified for cowardice, and bore his fate with the most heroic courage. His behaviour at his death was so inconsistent with the crime for which he was doomed to die, that the emissaries of the Cuboy were fain to propagate a report, that Bihn-goh had bribed a person to represent him at his execution, and be crucified in his stead.
This was a stratagem very well calculated for the meridian of the Japonese populace; and it would have satisfied them intirely, had not their fears been concerned. But the Chinese had for some time been threatening an invasion, the terror of which kept the people of Japan in perpetual agitation and disquiet. They neglected their business; and ran about in distraction, inquiring news, listening to reports, staring, whispering, whimpering, clamouring, neglecting their food and renouncing their repose. The Dairo, who believed the Tartars of Yesso (from whom he himself was descended) had more valour, and skill and honesty, than was possessed by any other nation on earth, took a large body of them into his pay, and brought them over to the island of Niphon, for the defence of his Japonese dominions. The truth is, he had a strong predilection for that people: he had been nursed among them, and sucked it from the nipple. His father had succeeded as heir to a paultry farm in that country; and there he fitted up a cabin, which he preferred to all the palaces of Meaco and Jeddo. The son received the first rudiments of his education among these Tartars, whose country had given birth to his progenitor Bupo. He therefore loved their country; he admired their manners, because they were conformable to his own; and he was in particular captivated by the taste they shewed in trimming and curling their mustachios.
In full belief that the Yessites stood as high in the estimation of his Japonese subjects, as in his own, he imported a body of them into Niphon, where, at first, they were received as saviours and protectors; but the apprehension of danger no sooner vanished, than they were exposed to a thousand insults and mortifications arising from the natural prejudice to foreigners, which prevails among the people of Japan. They were reviled, calumniated, and maltreated in every different form, by every class of people; and when the severe season set in, the Japonese refused shelter from the extremities of the weather, to those very auxiliaries they had hired to defend every thing that was dear to them, from the swords of an enemy whom they themselves durst not look in the face. In vain Fika-kaka employed a double band of artists to tickle their noses. They shut their eyes, indeed, as usual: but their eyes no sooner closed, than their mouths opened, and out flew the tropes and figures of obloquy and execration. They exclaimed, that they had not bought, but caught the Tartar; that they had hired the wolves to guard the sheep; that they were simple beasts who could not defend themselves from the dog with their own horns; but what could be expected from a flock which was led by such a pusillanimous bell-weather? —In a word, the Yessites were sent home in disgrace: but the ferment did not subside; and the conduct of the administration was summoned before the venerable tribunal of the populace.
There was one Taycho, who had raised himself to great consideration in this self-constituted college of the mob. He was distinguished by a loud voice, an unabashed countenance, a fluency of abuse, and an intrepidity of opposition to the measures of the Cuboy, who was far from being a favourite with the plebeians. Orator Taycho's eloquence was admirably suited to his audience; he roared, and he brayed, and he bellowed against the m—r: he threw out personal sarcasms against the Dairo himself. He inveighed against his partial attachment to the land of Yesso, which he had more than once manifested to the detriment of Japan: he inflamed the national prejudice against foreigners; and as he professed an inviolable zeal for the commons of Japan, he became the first demagogue of the empire. The truth is, he generally happened to be on the right side. The partiality of the Dairo, the errors, absurdities, and corruption of the ministry, presented such a palpable mark as could not be missed by the arrows of his declamation. This Cerberus had been silenced more than once with a sop; but whether his appetite was not satisfied to the full, or he was still stimulated by the turbulence of his disposition, which would not allow him to rest, he began to shake his chains anew, and open in the old cry; which was a species of musick to the mob, as agreeable as the sound of a bagpipe to a mountaineer of North Britain or the strum-strum to the swarthy natives of Angola. It was a strain which had the wonderful effect of effacing from the memory of his hearers, every idea of his former fickleness and apostacy.
In order to weaken the effect of orator Taycho's harangues, the Cuboy had found means to intrude upon the councils of the mob, a native of Ximo called Mura-clami, who had acquired some reputation for eloquence, as an advocate in the tribunals of Japan. He certainly possessed an uncommon share of penetration, with a silver tone of voice, and a great magazines of words and phrases, which flowed from him in a pleasing tide of elocution. He had withal the art of soothing, wheedling, insinuating, and misrepresenting with such a degree of plausibility, that his talents were admired even by the few who had sense enough to detect his sophistry. He had no idea of principle, and no feeling of humanity. He had renounced the maxims of his family, after having turned them to the best account by execrating the rites of Fakkubasi or the White Horse, in private among malcontents, while he worshipped him in public with the appearance of enthusiastic devotion. When detected in this double dealing, he fairly owned to the Cuboy, that he cursed the White Horse in private for his private interest, but that he served him in public from inclination.
The Cuboy had just sense enough to perceive that he would always be true to his own interest; and therefore he made it his interest to serve the m—y to the full extent of his faculties. Accordingly Mura-clami fought a good battle with orator Taycho, in the occasional assemblies of the populace. But as it is much more easy to inflame than to allay, to accuse than to acquit, to asperse than to purify, to unveil truth than to varnish falshood; in a word, to patronize a good cause than to support a bad one; the majesty of the mob snuffed up the excrementitious salts of Taycho's invectives, until their jugulars ached, while they rejected with signs of loathing the flowers of Mura-clami's elocution; just as a citizen of Edinburgh stops his nose when he passes by the shop of a perfumer.
While the constitution of human nature remains unchanged, satire will be always better received than panegyric, in those popular harangues. The Athenians and Romans were better pleased with the Philippics of Demosthenes and Tully, than they would have been with all the praise those two orators could have culled from the stores of their eloquence. A man feels a secret satisfaction in seeing his neighbour treated as a rascal. If he be a knave himself, (which ten to one is the case) he rejoices to see a character brought down to the level of his own, and a new member added to his society; if he be one degree removed from actual roguery, (which is the case with nine-tenths of those who enjoy the reputation of virtue) he indulges himself with the Pharisaical consolation, of thanking God he is not like that publican.
But, to return from this digression, Mura-clami, though he could not with all his talents maintain any sort of competition with Taycho, in the opinion of the mob; he, nevertheless, took a more effectual method to weaken the force of his opposition. He pointed out to Fika-kaka the proper means for amending the errors of his administration: he proposed measures for prosecuting the war with vigour: he projected plans of conquest in Fatsissio; recommended active officers; forwarded expeditions; and infused such a spirit into the councils of Japan, as had not before appeared for some centuries.
But his patron was precluded from the benefit of these measures, by the obstinate prejudice and precipitation of the Dairo, who valued his Yessian farm above all the empire of Japan. This precious morsel of inheritance bordered upon the territories of a Tartar chief called Brut-an-tiffi, a famous freebooter, who had inured his Kurd to bloodshed, and enriched himself with rapine. Of all mankind, he hated most the Dairo, tho' his kinsman; and sought a pretence for seizing the farm, which in three days he could have made his own. The Dairo Gothama-baba was not ignorant of his sentiments. He trembled for his cabin when he considered its situation between hawk and buzzard; exposed on one side to the talons of Brut-an-tiffi, and open on the other to the incursions of the Chinese, under whose auspices the said Brut-an-tiffi had acted formerly as a zealous partizan. He had, indeed, in a former quarrel exerted himself with such activity and rancour, to thwart the politics of the Dairo, and accumulate expences on the subjects of Niphon, that he was universally detested through the whole empire of Japan as a lawless robber, deaf to every suggestion of humanity, respecting no law, restricted by no treaty, scoffing at all religion, goaded by ambition, instigated by cruelty, and attended by rapine.
In order to protect the farm from such a dangerous neighbour, Gothama-baba, by an effort of sagacity peculiar to himself, granted a large subsidy from the treasury of Japan, to a remote nation of Mantchoux Tartars, on condition that they should march to the assistance of his farm, whenever it should be attacked. With the same sanity of foresight, the Dutch might engage in a defensive league with the Ottoman Porte, to screen them from the attempts of the most Christian king, who is already on their frontiers. Brut-an-tiffi knew his advantage, and was resolved to enjoy it. He had formed a plan of usurpation, which could not be executed without considerable sums of money. He gave the Dairo to understand, he was perfectly sensible how much the farm lay at his mercy: then proposed, that Got-hama-baba should renounce his subsidiary treaty with the Mantchoux; pay a yearly tribute to him Brut-an-tiffi, in consideration of his forbearing to seize the farm; and maintain an army to protect it on the other side from the irruptions of the Chinese.
Got-hama-baba, alarmed at this declaration, began by his emissaries to sound the inclinations of his Japonese subjects touching a continental war, for the preservation of the farm; but he found them totally averse to this wise system of politicks. Taycho, in particular, began to bawl and bellow among the mob, upon the absurdity of attempting to defend a remote cabin, which was not defensible; upon the iniquity of ruining a mighty empire, for the sake of preserving a few barren acres, a naked common, a poor, pitiful, pelting farm, the interest of which, like Aaron's rod, had already, on many occasions, swallowed up all regard and consideration for the advantage of Japan. He inveighed against the shameful and senseless partiality of Got-hama-baba: he mingled menaces with his representations. He expatiated on the folly and pernicious tendency of a continental war: he enlarged upon the independence of Japan, secure in her insular situation. He declared, that not a man should be sent to the continent, nor a subsidy granted to any greedy, mercenary, freebooting Tartar; and threatened, that if any corrupt minister should dare to form such a connexion, he would hang it about his neck, like a millstone, to sink him to perdition. The bellows of Taycho's oratory blew up such a flame in the nation, that the Cuboy and all his partizans were afraid to whisper one syllable about the farm.
Mean while Brut-an-tiffi, in order to quicken their determinations, withdrew the garrison he had in a town on the frontiers of China, and it was immediately occupied by the Chinese; an army of whom poured in like a deluge through this opening upon the lands adjoining to the farm. Got-hama-baba was now seized with a fit of temporary distraction. He foamed and raved, and cursed and swore in the Tartarian language: he declared he would challenge Brut-an-tiffi to single combat. He not only kicked, but also cuffed the whole council of Twenty-Eight, and played at foot-ball with his imperial tiara. Fika-kaka was dumb-founded: Sti-phi-rum-poo muttered something about a commission of lunacy: Nin-kom-poo-po pronounced the words flat-bottomed junks; but his teeth chattered so much, that his meaning could not be understood. The Fatzman offered to cross the sea and put himself at the head of a body of light horse, to observe the motions of the enemy; and Gotto-mio prayed fervently within himself, that God Almighty would be pleased to annihilate that accursed farm, which had been productive of such mischief to Japan. Nay, he even ventured to exclaim, "Would to God, the farm was sunk in the middle of the Tartarian ocean!" "Heaven forbid! (cried the president Soo-san-sin-o) for in that case, Japan must be at the expence of weighing it up again."
In the midst of this perplexity, they were suddenly surprised at the apparition of Taycho's head nodding from a window that overlooked their deliberations. At sight of this horrid spectacle the council broke up. The Dairo fled to the inmost recesses of the palace, and all his counsellors vanished, except the unfortunate Fika-kaka, whose fear had rendered him incapable of any sort of motion but one, and that he instantly had to a very efficacious degree. Taycho bolting in at the window, advanced to the Cuboy without ceremony, and accosted him in these words: "It depends upon the Cuboy, whether Taycho continues to oppose his measures, or becomes his most obsequious servant. Arise, illustrious Quanbuku, and cast your eyes upon the steps by which I ascended." Accordingly Fika-kaka looked, and saw a multitude of people who had accompanied their orator into the court of the palace, and raised for him an occasional stair of various implements. The first step was made by an old fig-box, the second by a nightman's bucket, the third by a cask of hempseed, the fourth by a tar-barrel, the fifth by an empty kilderkin, the sixth by a keg, the seventh by a bag of soot, the eighth by a fishwoman's basket, the ninth by a rotten pack-saddle, and the tenth by a block of hard wood from the island of Fatsissio. It was supported on one side by a varnished lettered post, and on the other by a crazy hogshead. The artificers who erected this climax, and now exulted over it with hideous clamour, consisted of grocers, scavengers, halter-makers, carpenters, draymen, distillers, chimney-sweepers, oyster-women, ass-drivers, aldermen, and dealers in waste paper. —To make myself understood, I am obliged, Peacock, to make use of those terms and denominations which are known in this metropolis.
Fika-kaka, having considered this work with astonishment, and heard the populace declare upon oath, that they would exalt their orator above all competition, was again addressed by the invincible Taycho. "Your Quanbukuship perceives how bootless it will be to strive against the torrent. —What need is there of many words? admit me to a share of the administration——I will commence your humble slave—I will protect the farm at the expence of Japan, while there is an Oban left in the island of Niphon; and I will muzzle these bears so effectually, that they shall not shew their teeth, except in applauding our proceedings." An author who sees the apparition of a bailiff standing before him in his garret, and instead of being shewn a capias, is presented with a bank note; an impatient lover stopped upon Bagshot heath by a person in a masque, who proves to be his sweetheart come to meet him in disguise, for the sake of the frolick; a condemned criminal, who, on the morning of execution-day, instead of being called upon by the finisher of the law, is visited by the sheriff with a free pardon; could not be more agreeably surprised than was Fika-kaka at the demagogue's declaration. He flew into his embrace and wept aloud with joy, calling him his dear Taycho. He squeezed his hand, kissed him on both cheeks, and swore he should share the better half of all his power: then he laughed and snivelled by turns, lolled out his tongue, waddled about the chamber, wriggled and niggled and noddled. Finally, he undertook to prepare the Dairo for his reception, and it was agreed that the orator should wait on his new colleague next morning. — This matter being settled to their mutual satisfaction, Taycho retreated through the window into the courtyard, and was convoyed home in triumph by that many-headed hydra the mob, which shook its multitudinous tail, and brayed through every throat with hideous exultation.
The Cuboy, mean while, had another trial to undergo, a trial which he had not foreseen. Taycho was no sooner departed, than he hied him to the Dairo's cabinet, in order to communicate the happy success of his negotiation. But at certain periods, Got-hama-baba's resentment was more than a match for any other passion that belonged to his disposition, and now it was its turn to reign. The Dairo was made of very combustible materials, and these had been kindled up by the appearance of orator Taycho, who (he knew) had treated his person with indecent freedoms, and publickly vilified the worship of the White Horse. When Fika-kaka, therefore, told him he had made peace with the demagogue, the Dairo, instead of giving him the kick of approbation, turned his own back upon the Cuboy, and silenced him with a boh! Had Fika-kaka assailed him with the same syllogistical sophism which was used by the Stagyrite to Alexander in a passion, perhaps he might have listened to reason: e orge ou pros isous, alla pros tous kreittonas ginetai, Soi de oudeis isos. —"Anger should be raised not by our equals, but by our superiors; but you have no equal." —Certain it is, that Got-hama-baba had no equal; but Fika-kaka was no more like Aristotle, than his master resembled Alexander. The Dairo remained deaf to all his remonstrances, tears, and intreaties, until he declared that there was no other way of saying the farm, but that of giving charte blanche to Taycho. This argument seemed at once to dispel the clouds which had been compelled by his indignation: he consented to receive the orator in quality of minister, and next day was appointed for his introduction.
In the morning Taycho the Great repaired to the palace of the Cuboy, where he privately performed the ceremony of osculation a posteriori, sung a solemn Palinodia on the subject of political system, repeated and signed the Buponian creed, embraced the religion of Fakkubasi, and adored the White Horse with marks of unfeigned piety and contrition. Then he was conducted to the antichamber of the emperor, who could not, without great difficulty, so far master his personal dislike, as to appear before him with any degree of composure. He was brought forth by Fika-kaka like a tame bear to the stake, if that epithet of tame can be given with any propriety to an animal which no body but his keeper dares approach. The orator perceiving him advance, made a low obeisance according to the custom of Japan, that is, by bending the body averse from the Dairo, and laying the right hand upon the left buttock; and pronounced with an audible voice, "Behold, invincible Got-hama-baba, a sincere penitent come to make atonement for his virulent opposition to your government, for his atrocious insolence to your sacred person. I have calumniated your favourite farm, I have questioned your integrity, I have vilified your character, ridiculed your understanding, and despised your authority" —This recapitulation was so disagreeable to the Dairo, that he suddenly flew off at a tangent, and retreated growling to his den; from whence he could by no means be lugged again by the Cuboy, until Taycho, exalting his voice, uttered these words: —"But I will exalt your authority more than ever it was debased—I will extol your wisdom, and expatiate on your generosity; I will glorify the White Horse, and sacrifice all the treasures of Japan, if needful, for the protection of the farm of Yesso." By these cabalistical sounds the wrath of Got-hama-baba was intirely appeased. He now returned with an air of gaiety, strutting, sideling, circling, fluttering, and cobbling like a turkey-cock in his pride, when he displays his feathers to the sun. Taycho hailed the omen; and turning his face from the emperor, received such a salutation on the os sacrum, that the parts continued vibrating and tingling for several days.
An indenture tripartite was now drawn up and executed. Fika-kaka was continued treasurer, with his levees, his Bonzas, and his places; and orator Taycho undertook, in the character of chief scribe, to protect the farm of Yesso, as well as to bridle and manage the blatant beast whose name was Legion. That a person of his kidney should have the presumption to undertake such an affair, is not at all surprising; the wonder is, that his performance should even exceed his promise. The truth is, he promised more than he could have performed, had not certain unforeseen incidents, in which he had no concern, contributed towards the infatuation of the people.
The first trial to which he brought his ascendency over the mob, was his procuring from them a free gift, to enable the Dairo to arm his own private tenants in Yesso, together with some ragamuffin Tartars in the neighbourhood, for the defence of the farm. They winked so hard upon this first over-act of his apostacy, that he was fully persuaded they had resigned up all their senses to his direction; and resolved to shew them to all Europe, as a surprising instance of his art in monster-taming. This furious beast not only suffered itself to be bridled and saddled, but frisked and fawned, and purred and yelped, and crouched before the orator, licking his feet, and presenting its back to the burthens which he was pleased to impose. Immediately after this first essay, Qamba-cun-dono the Fatzman was sent over to assemble and command a body of light horse in Yesso, in order to keep an eye on the motions of the enemy; and indeed this vigilant and sagacious commander conducted himself with such activity and discretion, that he soon brought the war in those parts to a point of termination.
Mean while, Brut-an-tiffi continuing to hover on the skirts of the farm, at the head of his myrmidons, and demanding of the Dairo a categorical answer to the hints he had given, Got-hama-baba underwent several successive fits of impatience and distraction. The Cuboy, instigated by his own partizans, and in particular by Mura-clami, who hoped to see Taycho take some desperate step that would ruin his popularity; I say the Cuboy, thus stimulated, began to ply the orator with such pressing intreaties as he could no longer resist; and now he exhibited such a specimen of his own power and the people's insanity, as transcends the flight of ordinary faith. Without taking the trouble to scratch their long ears, tickle their noses, drench them with mandragora or geneva, or make the least apology for his own turning tail to the principles which he had all his life so strenuously inculcated, he crammed down their throats an obligation to pay a yearly tribute to Brut-an-tiffi, in consideration of his forbearing to seize the Dairo's farm; a tribute which amounted to seven times the value of the lands, for the defence of which it was payed. When I said crammed, I ought to have used another phrase. The beast, far from shewing any signs of loathing, closed its eyes, opened its hideous jaws, and as it swallowed the inglorious bond, wagged its tail in token of intire satisfaction.
No fritter on Shrove Tuesday was ever more dexterously turned, than were the hydra's brains by this mountebank in patriotism, this juggler in politicks, this cat in pan, or cake in pan, or kata pan in principle. Some people gave out that he dealt with a conjurer, and others scrupled not to insinuate that he had sold himself to the evil spirit. But there was no occasion for a conjurer to deceive those whom the dæmon of folly had previously confounded; and as to selling, he sold nothing but the interest of his country; and of that he made a very bad bargain. Be that as it may, the Japonese now viewed Brut-an-tiffi either through a new perspective, or else surveyed him with organs intirely metamorphosed. Yesterday they detested him as a profligate ruffian lost to all sense of honesty and shame, addicted to all manner of vice, a scoffer at religion, particularly that of Fakkubasi, the scourge of human nature, and the inveterate enemy of Japan. To-day, they glorified him as an unblemished hero, the protector of good faith, the mirror of honesty, the pattern of every virtue, a saint in piety, a devout votary to the White Horse, a friend to mankind, the fast ally and the firmest prop of the Japonese empire.
The farm of Yesso, which they had so long execrated as a putrid and painful excrescence upon the breech of their country, which would never be quiet until this cursed wart was either exterminated or taken away; they now fondled as a favourite mole, nay, and cherished as the apple of their eye. One would have imagined that all the inconsistencies and absurdities which characterise the Japonese nation, had taken their turns to reign, just as the interest of Taycho's ambition required. When it was necessary for him to establish new principles, at that very instant their levity prompted them to renounce their former maxims. Just as he had occasion to fascinate their senses, the dæmon of caprice instigated them to shut their eyes, and hold out their necks, that they might be led by the nose. At the very nick of time when he adopted the cause of Brut-an-tiffi, in diametrical opposition to all his former professions, the spirit of whim and singularity disposed them to kick against the shins of common sense, deny the light of day at noon, and receive in their bosoms as a dove, the man before whom they had shunned as a serpent. Thus every thing concurred to establish for orator Taycho, a despotism of popularity; and that not planned by reason, or raised by art, but founded on fatality and finished by accident. Quos Jupiter vult perdere priùs dementat.
Brut-an-tiffi being so amply gratified by the Japonese for his promise of forbearance with respect to the farm of Yesso, and determined, at all events, to make some new acquisition, turned his eyes upon the domains of Pol-hassan-akousti, another of his neighbours, who had formed a most beautiful colony in this part of Tartary; and rushed upon it at a minute's warning. His resolution in this respect was so suddenly taken and quickly executed, that he had not yet formed any excuse for this outrage, in order to save appearances. Without giving himself the trouble to invent a pretence, he drove old Pol-hassan-akousti out of his residence; compelled the domestics of that prince to enter among his own banditti; plundered his house, seized the archives of his family, threatened to shoot the antient gentlewoman his wife, exacted heavy contribution from the tenants; then dispersed a manifesto in which he declared himself the best friend of the said Akousti and his spouse, assuring him he would take care of his estate as a precious deposit to be restored to him in due season. In the mean time, he thought proper to sequester the rents, that they might not enable Pol-hassan to take any measures that should conduce to his own prejudice. As for the articles of meat, drink, clothing, and lodging, for him and his wife and a large family of small children, he had nothing to do but depend upon Providence, until the present troubles should be appeased. His behaviour on this occasion, Peacock, puts me in mind of the Spaniard whom Philip II. employed to assassinate his own son Don Carlos. This compassionate Castilian, when the prince began to deplore his fate, twirled his mustachio, pronouncing with great gravity these words of comfort: "Calla, calla, Senor, todo que se haze es por su bien ." "I beg your highness wont' make any noise; this is all for your own good:" or the politeness of Gibbet in the play called the Beaux Stratagem, who says to Mrs. Sullen, "Your jewels, Madam, if you please—don't be under any uneasiness, Madam—if you make any noise, I shall blow your brains out—I have a particular regard for the ladies, Madam."
But the possession of Pol-hassan's demesnes was not the ultimate aim of Brut-an-tiffi. He had an eye to a fair and fertile province belonging to a Tartar princess of the house of Ostrog. He saw himself at the head of a numerous banditti trained to war, fleshed in carnage, and eager for rapine; his coffers were filled with the spoils he had gathered in his former freebooting expeditions; and the incredible sums payed him as an annual tribute from Japan, added to his other advantages, rendered him one of the most formidable chiefs in all Tartary. Thus elated with the consciousness of his own strength, he resolved to make a sudden irruption into the dominions of Ostrog, at a season of the year when that house could not avail itself of the alliances they had formed with other powers; and he did not doubt but that, in a few weeks, he should be able to subdue the whole country belonging to the Amazonian princess. But I can tell thee, Peacock, his views extended even farther than the conquest of the Ostrog dominions. He even aspired at the empire of Tartary, and had formed the design of deposing the great Cham, who was intimately connected with the princess of Ostrog. Inspired by these projects, he, at the beginning of winter, suddenly poured like a deluge into one of the provinces that owned this Amazon's sway; but he had hardly gained the passes of the mountains, when he found himself opposed by a numerous body of forces, assembled under the command of a celebrated general, who gave him battle without hesitation, and handled him so roughly, that he was fain to retreat into the demesnes of Pol-hassan, where he spent the greatest part of the winter in exacting contributions and extending the reign of desolation.
All the petty princes and states who hold of the great Cham, began to tremble for their dominions, and the Cham himself was so much alarmed at the lawless proceedings of Brut-an-tiffi, that he convoked a general assembly of all the potentates who possessed fiefs in the empire, in order to deliberate upon measures for restraining the ambition of this ferocious freebooter. Among others, the Dairo of Japan, as lord of the farm of Yesso, sent a deputy to this convention, who, in his master's name, solemnly disclaimed and professed his detestation of Brut-an-tiffi's proceedings, which, indeed, were universally condemned. The truth is, he, at this period, dreaded the resentment of all the other co-estates rather more than he feared the menaces of Brut-an-tiffi; and, in particular, apprehended a sentence of outlawry from the Cham, by which at once he would have forfeited all legal title to his beloved farm. Brut-an-tiffi, on the other hand, began to raise a piteous clamour, as if he meant to excite compassion. He declared himself a poor injured prince, who had been a dupe to the honesty and humanity of his own heart. He affirmed